Realistically, I may have gained weight this week. I feel all sorts of muscles I haven't felt in a while. My cardio abilities have improved significantly. I definitely feel stronger. So, why the hell is my head messing with me?
As a trained Sociologist (okay...so I just have my Bachelor's, but that is training!), I would say that my mind is so focused on trying to maintain status quo, that's is trying to sabotage me. Having felt down on myself for the last 25 years or so (I give myself a few happy, unbothered by weight years as a child) for my size, I think my mind is trying to keep me from changing that. I mean, cutting all those new pathways to better thought processes will be a lot of work for my brain to do! So, maybe it's just trying to keep me here, in a fat suit.
The problem is that I do not want to be in a fat suit. I want to be able to wear attractive, form fitting clothes. I want to be looked at & noticed for something other than my "great boobs" (I honestly find them to be annoying most often, just 1 cup smaller would be nice). I want to be thought of in ways other than, "Wow, she'd be really pretty if she wasn't so heavy". Is want enough? Hell, is need enough?
I've got an amazing man in my life, who constantly tells me that I am gorgeous, that he loves my body, and that he wouldn't change anything. Even though he says those things, that negative nelly in my head just fires off a bunch of punches to my ego to remind me that he could leave me at any moment for someone better. That sucks. It sucks for Michael that I do this, and it sucks for me to feel that way. He definitely is in my corner 100%, so why the heck does my internal asshole have to chime in? I think if I could answer that question that I would be on my way to being a millionaire.
So, as I struggle this week with keeping those negative thoughts at bay, I'll keep pushing through those workouts. I'll keep making better eating choices. I'll keep doing the extra workouts I need. I'll keep saying thank you to a compliment, when I'd rather say whatever. I'll just keep trying...that's all any one can do.
"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
Hey There Lady! Chin up! Burning 410 calories is way better then eating 410. Be patient with yourself and think of it more as a long term lifestyle change.
ReplyDeleteI think once I threw out the window the idea that it was going to happen overnight was when I finally really saw progress. Hell I even celebrate weeks where I maintain because it's not a gain. The other thing that has help me is I set small goals as it made the big goal look A LOT easier. For example my first goal was 5 pounds, then 5% of my body weight (around 9 pounds - so basically another 4 pounds lost), then another 5, then 10% (18 pounds - so another 4), and then 20. Now I'm working towards 25, and honestly I started right after memorial day weekend so it's been almost 10 months. It took us how many years to put the weight on, right?
So don't feel discouraged, I'm still up from my lowest weight, but I keep telling myself baby steps...it will happen. Just gotta stick with it.
And remember - lifting - especially when you are doing knew things your muscles tend to hold on to water for a little bit to repair themselves. So you might just be feeling the effects of that and in a couple days you'll notice a huge difference =)
Sounds like you're doing great! The brain is an amazing ally/foe depending on where you're at. Keep working hard and don't beat yourself up if/when you have a set back. The journey to a healthier you is just beginning and the best part is you're going to start seeing what an inspiration you are to others!
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